it started so well
no blind date from hell
we even got on
'till i insulted her mum
i ran to the bog
i'd ruined it all
to make matters worse
i peed on my shoes
peed
on
my shoes
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i woke up in a sweat
i'd had a bad dream
massacred loads of chavs
but what could it mean
it all seemed so real
so i got out of bed
but there to my surprise
was a burberry covered head
i didn't know i could sleep walk
even less that i could sleep kill
but i have chav blood on my hands now
and to be honest i feel quite brill
chav hunting from dusk till dawn
very soon he'll be no more
they call him the street cleaner
he is a national hero
he goes from town to town
nowhere is chav safe
at night he wears disguise
a mask a cape a scythe
the chav is running scared
but he is on their tail
he'll get every last one of them
make sure they're all dead
rivers run with burberry blood
a tracksuit pyrhe he'll make
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I thought i'd found my love at the balti counter at tescos
i wanted to ask her out but i thought she'd have a boyfriend
I thought i'd found my love at the balti counter at tescos
then i asked her out and she had a bloody boyfriend
but she smiled at me
got two bhaji's for free
she was toying with me
now i'm unhappy
i'll never eat an indian again
have to hide out in the freezer section
microwavable is the only way for me
i thought the balti counter was my destiny
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single simon met a nice girl
down the pub one night
bit of muff pie he thought to himself
but sadly she did dyke
a lesbian behind closed doors
won't let simon join in
he promised just to look not touch
but she had none of it
I could be a lesbian, thought simon
sit in the corner quietly
won't bother no-one, just you see
lesbian ism's for me
she says that none of the guys
in the whole wide world
quite do it like her lesbian licker
only she can find her hairpin triga
He's thought of growing breasts
and chopping off his nuts
see some action, get a chance
to try his sorry luck
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i think i love you, although we've never met
i've seen your picture, it was on the internet
a school boy crush, even though i'm twenty six
i'm not a loser, you would like me if we met
i think i love you, but i am not quite sure
if we had dinner, i wouldn't ask for more
i want to touch you, to see if you are real
please can i smell you, shut my eyes and count to four
i think i love you, yeah yeah
do you want me, yeah yeah
lets get together, yeah yeah
and make babies
i think i love you, this is more than lust
i want to squeeze you, and prod you in the guts
you sure you're real, not living in my mind
cos there its cosy, and donuts are a must
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want to go out and have some fun
but i'll probably stay in and scratch my bum
somehow this just don't seem right
an itchy arse on a friday night
i know that i can make bad smells
but now my arse is trying to rebel
it wants out in the easiest way
no all bran diet will make it want to stay
i've got piles, fu**ing haemorroids
i can't sit down, too fu**ing sore
i'm sick of my toilet at night
looking back the laxatives weren't right
have to keep my bladder in a sling
electric shock treatment for my ring
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put water in the kettle
plug the fu**er in
wail for it to boil
now pour the water in the pot
pot noodle
got to wait 2 minutes
water to absorb
stir it thoroughly
ready to begin
you slag
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flicking one off girlfriends away
just about keep guilt at bay
in the groove you turn the page
recognise that arse and face
do i tell that i know
then she'll know i went solo
she never mentioned porn intentions
how did she get in that position
filled with pride or horrorfied / girlfriend in your porno
wondered how she got that cash / girlfriend in your porno
works in asda dresses flash / girlfriend in your porno
hope my mates don't buy this mag
nurses kit or dressed in leather don't do that when we're together
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got his i.q. off tv
its on all day and night
program after program
till his brain is fried
planets funniest animals
my sister ate her hamster
jesus lives in washington
he's busy flipping burgers
tell him its true and he'll believe you
if its on tv its the one for me
brain fry brain fry jerry springer must die
brain fry brain fry jerry springer must die
its really not his fault
that his brain is fried
his sister shagged a donkey
and now she is his wife
its not his accent
or his close set eyes
the cogs are turning
its only mush inside
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old james t kirk was once a berk
he couldn't tie his laces
then his friend doc spock helped out
now he's the brains of the operation
i want some of that
can't be a dumbass all my life
all i need is a little head start
something to get my brain in gear
spok sox is what i need
spok sox, spok sox, spok sox what i need
spok sox, spok sox, spok sox if you please
pull them on and feel the rush
now i know how kirky felt
my toes are warm my brain is fried
with my spok sox the world is mine
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please don't make me go
they pick on me at school
i'm 19 now you know
so let me break some rules
they make me sit in circles
crossed legged on the floor
i'm fu**ing 25 now
how can you want more
can't take no more sunday school
all that being nice
and when i light a cigarette
they frown and then chastise
i don't know what my dicks for
and now i'm 33
said i don't know what my dicks for
it can't be just to pee
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you wake up in the morning and you drank too many beers
there's only one thing on your mind
you know its diarohea
diarohea
you make yourself a curry and your using too much chilli
there's only one thing on your mind
you know its diarohea
diarohea diarohea you've eaten food thats out of date, you know you're gonna pay there's only one thing on your mind you know its diarohea diarohea
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he won't listen to our advice
he thinks he's always right
he says he knows the best
that he knows more than all the rest
but
he's got sh*t shorts
he's got sh*t shorts
etc.
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can you
fart on cue
its a talent i want
without
doing a poo
i need more control
i got training from the master
he was the king of all farters
very soon i could control
my arse became windmill
i'm in charge of my sphincter muscle
let out gas only when i want to
sometimes can get painful
but i can fart on cue
fahten Q ooh ooh ooh ooh
sphincter
muscle is
now in my control
i can
fart song
recognisable
now i've got a stage name
i perform every night
mozart bach or steps
your tunes my farts delight
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he dropped his jaffa cake
got crumbs on his shirt
but no mistake that she's the girl for him
what can you do
when love comes lokking for you
pull on your favourite tank top and flirt
you know you love me, 'cos of me pully
you know you want me, and my sideburns
you wanna have me, i am not smelly
you know you want me, so much it hurts
but she turned her head
and looked at him
when he decided that he was in love
he knows he can't
its not allowed
he knows the ruled but he's a renegade
king of the jungle
superman in pants
he'll be her hero
if he gets the chance
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forgot to deodorise
brought tears to my eyes
even made my girlfriend cry
armpits in overdrive
the gym
running
sweating
smelling
got to take a shower
crowded
pompous
can't go
in there
i will go home smelling
trapped in a car it overpowers
start to lose my senses
driving at crash barrier
eyes stinging my attention
girlfriend needs lift home from work
she doesn't see the green mist
gets in the car she passes out
can't take aroma of real man
forgot to deodorise
brought tears to my eyes
even made my girlfriend cry
armpits in overdrive
working
toiling
forgot
spraying
man aroma's back
garden
digging
sweating
smelling
not allowed in house
not allowed in the back door
so i try at the front
she's closed every route to clean
i'm left alone with my smell
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heavy
horn throwing
w*nk solo
attitude driven
metal
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there are things i would rather do
than waste my time being with you
clean a sewer with my tongue
stick my finger in my bum
slice my finger lemon in
hit myself with a swing
roadrash on my ass
spank myself with a glass
stinging nettles down my pants
crawled on by a thousand ants
bees in my bed
inject myself with lead
these are some things i would rather do
than waste my time being with you
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is there a miss benny faktor
is there a miss benny faktor
our drummers very easy
only need 2 hundred quid
middle age divorcee
needs a second wind
you can shag our drummer for quids
gonna sell his body
to get our music heard
£2-99 an hour
'cos our music is superb
need a benefactor
to get our record pressed
he'll do it all except kinky sex
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nosehair demon
nosehair - got a forrest in there
nosehair - make some underwear
nosehair - can't see the wood for trees
nosehair - can't see you nose or knees
wrestle him to the ground
grab a fistful pull
you've got enough to make a rope
hairs connect to arse
the tears when i pull
too much shame no class
nosehair demon
nosehair - got a forrest in there
nosehair - make some underwear
nosehair - can't see the wood for trees
nosehair - can't see you nose or knees
why won't you trim your nosehair
it bothers us its there
can't listen look or talk to you
because of your nosehair
can't get to sleep at night
the horrors they return
you nosehair gives me nightmares
your hair in hell will burn
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i found my raygun
gonna stick it in your face
whats the matter baby
you think i'm a disgrace
found my raygun - its all mine
don't know what its for
noises it can make
but this here is my raygun
you know its no fake
found my raygun - its all mine
gonna take you into outer space
zap you with my raygun
you won't know whats hit you baby
till ive been and gone
found my raygun - its all mine
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its the bad day blues
what more can i say
my new girl just left me
she's gone and turned gay
its the bad day blues
can't wait for a break
its the bad day blues
for heavens sake
its the bad day blues
can't wait for a break
its the bad day blues
for heavens sake
its the bad day blues
what more can i say
my dog just died
from the bubonic plague
its the bad day blues
can't wait for a wrong
i could end up getting booed off stage
for writing this song
its the bad day blues
what more can i say
gone blind from wanking and spanking
my cock each day
its the bad day blues
can't wait for a break
its the bad day blues
for heavens sake
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